I had some days when I just woke up and went through the motions like a zombie...

I had some days when I just woke up and went through the motions. Breakfast, coffee, brush teeth go to work… on repeat. Everything was ok, money was coming in, my mum was proud of her successful daughter. On paper everything was perfect.

There was nothing going wrong, but at the same time I was not happy. I felt this numbness, and a sadness like a dark pit at the top of my stomach. I could feel no joy, nothing excited me anymore. I had no joy in my life.

The only thing that kept me going was dancing.

I was doing everything that society told me I need to do to be successful and happy. But I had no clue what actually made me happy.

What did I actually want in life?

Some say you have to look at what hobbies you like. But sometimes you don’t even know anymore because you have lived in such a state of numbness for so long that you don’t know anymore.

Another fact of life is that we change so much with time. Our tastes change, our energy changes, our resilience and willingness to compromise also changes.

If in my early 20s I could dance salsa all night and then go to classes the second day, now in my 30s I need a day to recover if I go salsa dancing at night. And I don’t even drink alcohol, so I could not even imagine how a hangover would feel like, if the mere lack of sleep already affects me so much.

The point is that we change, and so do our likes and dislikes.

Dancing has remained the one constant in my life. Something that makes me happy. But it is no longer enough.

So I am constantly trying new things, discovering, experimenting and finding new things to enjoy.

With meditation I also learned that constantly searching if the root of suffering, because it keeps me in a loop of attachment to the outcome. Attachment to finding joy.

Like Buddhists say “the hungry ghost”.

That is my shadow to work with.

Something that helped me a lot has been practicing gratitude. At the beginning it was not something natural to me, so I started a Gratitude Journal, and I forced myself to do it every day for 21 days, and it really helped. It then became a regular practice beyond the 21 days.

In my journal I write

1.        Today I am grateful to myself for….

2.        Today I am grateful to [someone else] for…

3.        Today I am proud of myself for …

4.        Tomorrow, I look forward to…

5.        Daily mantra

This is my own formula, and it works for me. It forces me to slow down and appreciate life and everything around me.

For a high achiever it is not always easy, because in order to feel like I achieved something I need to do something ‘big’ like climb Mount Kilimanjaro or pass the New York Bar. But guess what, I did all those things, and the level of satisfaction was short lived.

That’s when I realised I needed something more sustainable in the long term. Because chasing “difficult” challenges and highs was actually a trauma response but that’s for another blog.

If I can leave you with anything today, that is start a Gratitude Journal, you won’t regret it.

And if you relate feel free to drop me a message and connect or follow me on social media for more about navigating this journey called life.

With loving presence,

Florina

Mindful Connecting